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It Is Wet For a Reason

When I first started working in Dublin I would get so angry at the constant soiling of my nice white sheets, the amount of washing I was doing on a daily basis took up a great deal of time, sometimes well over 4 hours in total just keeping the towels and sheets clean. Then I started to buy colored sheets, which I would chuck after one or two uses. I am sure the unsightly bodily stains where still there, I just didn’t have to see it. After the gentlemen were finished I would put my knickers back on, this is done to make sure the little bastard doesn’t on the sly steal them. I cannot tell you how many expensive sets of lingerie I have had to retire, because of the bottoms going missing. I would grab the four corners of the sheet, pop in big black garbage bag hiding in the closet and off to the next one. I use to buy out the Black, red, and brown sheets at Penney’s on a weekly basis. In the good times it wasn’t unusual for me to see on average 10-13 clients a day, at about 150 a pop! You do the math! Yes, mostly half hours, lasting an average of 18-22 1/2 minutes. The odd couple of hours, lasting on average 35 minutes. After the gentleman has come twice in a half hour’s time he is usually quite happy to run away and pretend the whole encounter didn’t happen. God I love religion.

I could understand if I were in a water challenged country, such as the African Sub-Sahara, where water is at a premium. But I am in Ireland, an island and a wet one at that, so much water is in abundance. There really is no reason for this un-natural fear of the stuff I see Irish men exhibiting. I just don’t understand for the life of me why grown men are afraid of water? I have had them go into the shower and return to me dryer than when they went in, how the hell is this possible? So, one day I decided to crack the bathroom door to spy on what the hell they are doing in the shower. One gentlemen turned on the water and stood in the corner avoiding getting wet, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. So, being the wicked individual I am, I banged the door hoping it would have the desired result of making him jump into the shower stream, it did. I then walked into the room, with my lingerie on, jumped in the shower and started to scrub him to within and inch of his life. He didn’t know what hit him, but it contained lots of soap. I was like a general issuing orders, “Raise your arms!” “Turn around!” “Bend over!” “I said spread those cheeks!” “WIDER!” I did have to chuckle when he left, both sets of his cheeks were bright pink. But he was cleaner than he had ever been in his life.

Some of the better comments I have heard from clients in reference to bathing have been:

‘Oh, I would prefer not to shower, my wife might notice.” I am sure she will, it isn’t like you were smelling like a daisy upon arrival. I was tempted to say, if you showered more regularly, it might not come as a shock to the poor dear.

“Oh I showered, this morning.” This is ok if I am seeing you at 10am, but at 8pm, I am no longer impressed at your cursory attempt at cleanliness!

Basically, what I noticed something the other day, a particular smell that they mostly all seem to have whether just washed or not, I can’t describe any other way that to say it reminds me of a combination of wet dog, shag tobacco with stale Guinness mixed in. Then I twigged something, so I asked the gentlemen I was with, if he was single, and he responded yes. Then the penny dropped. For the obvious reason, married men just seem to have a slightly better quality of hygiene, and the reason for this isn’t because they wash anymore regularly than their single counterparts, it is because their wives and or girlfriends are doing their laundry! Where as if a man who is single washes his clothes, when and if he washes his clothes, usually after they are walking around the room for some time of their own accord, he will tend to just use the least smelly detergent, and probably not knowing how the washing machine works, or the various available cycles, will set it on the shortest one, thus rendering his clothes less than fully clean, not to mention he will use the incorrect laundry detergent, throw in the fear of dryers, he will hang his half clean clothes in a less than spotless house, that is enclosed and rarely aired out, I mean what guy does spring cleaning? Causing them to reabsorb the same scents that caused them to be smell in the first place. It doesn’t bear thinking about.

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