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Malfeasance, Malevolent, Malmaison

Ok so I like alliteration. But if any WG has ever stayed at a Malmaison, she will know to what I refer when I say, there is a unconscious allusion to a house of ill repute in the entire chain. Whether they knowingly did this or not. I cant help but feel that if I accidentally opened a random guest room, I would find some poor sod tied to the bed post with large phallic like items protruding from his orifices. Wait a minute, that isn’t a random room, that is my room. 😉

There is a minimum of security cameras, and if they are, they are well hidden to give those of us up to malfeasance, a chance to get on with it. The corridors are darkly lit, I mean darkly lit, in a malevolent fashion, the door numbers are equally as obscured, and the rooms have a rather nice sound proofing, I tested it. The cleaning staff are usually no where to be seen, they get on with the task of cleaning and dissolving. I wish other hotels could manage to do this, having to dodge the damn cleaning staff until 5 in the afternoon can really put a cramp in a girls business, let me tell you.

My least favourite one is the one in Glasgow, not because it isn’t a lovely hotel, but it is a damn rabbit warren, and directionally challenged Scots will be at a loss to find their way. I have gotten lost in there myself. But the cocktails are divine, if you can figure out how to get to the bar.

The one in Edinburgh is out on the water, rather nice part of the city, called Leith. Much nicer now than the city centre, which they are ripping up at an alarming pace. It is 4 years on and they are still building the damn tram.

The lift is slow as hell, but has the advantage of not having the display panel on the outside, so once in, they don’t know what floor the client is off to. Brilliant. There is a bar, so I can have them queuing up. One in the room, one in the bar, and one on the way. I know, I know, I will probably burn in hell, but I am a WG after all and the whole point of the exercise is to make money.

The one in Aberdeen is also lovely, and if you get the right room with a balcony, the view can be amazing, especially if I am your next door neighbour. Well let’s just say late at night, I have been bent over the railing giving as good as I got. Bad escort.

But the favourite so far is the one in Belfast, tiny boutique hotel. I know they are clued in, and really don’t seem to be bothered. The cocktails are great, the staff are delightful, and just leave you to it. How I know they are clued in, is one evening when I had had several out calls, and was running in and out, the receptionist in the morning smiled sweetly and mentioned, that I had had a busy night. I smiled back, and cheekily said, I hoped for the same tonight, tripped up to my room wearing my thigh high boots, and the whip sticking out of the ho-bag.

I wish all hotels were this open minded, and that they will build one in Dublin, it would be booked up every day.

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