International travel

International travel

To say I am a jet setting ho is an understatement. I think I am up in the air more than my legs. 😉 so, during my many transcontinental trips you start to notice things, how certain groups of people travel, how people are treated at airports, how bloody inept the security really is, down to how certain airlines treat their passengers.

The bottom of the scale is Ryanair, a flying bus, that stops short of charging you to use the toilets. It was actually proposed. Not an airline I use, unless there is no other option, and I mean no other option. I would take the bus, or the ferry before traveling with those cheap bastards. And anyone who knows me, will tell you I don’t travel well by either of the latter options.

Traveling through LHR is akin to witnessing the migration of huge herds of various types of animals all at the same time. Asians tend to be like schools of fish, all moving in the same direction at the same time en fucking mass. Jesus, I try to avoid being any where near them. Africans, are like pissed off migrating pachyderms, with more flipping luggage than any human should have at an airport, arguing when informed they have to pay extra for the 80kg over the allowable weight. Loudly, too I might add!

Then you have your budget travellers, they remind me of bees, everything is micro managed to the ounce, as they can only afford to travel as the budget is limited and there is no pissing room for error. The clueless traveler, much like a fledging baby bird, never having ventured outside of their comfort zones. Announcements startle them, as does everything else associated with air travel. Often getting lost in the toilet cubicles.

And my least favourite traveler to be anywhere near is anyone who looks even slightly like they come from a country that ends in ..stan. They will get stopped! Searched! Grilled! I am not spending 20mins because the idiots that are hired to be the first line of defense against terrorism can’t profile properly. And seriously I have seen some of the morons that work for the various airport security companies, and I tell you now we are fucked if these are what is standing between us and a terrorist!

Some nationalities shouldn’t be allowed to travel, lets take the Irish for instance, they are either pissed or on the way to get pissed. It is like a traveling band of AA members without the sponsor. The French are annoyed because they are forced to leave their beloved France. The Germans are pissed the engineering, the food, the people, the place, the luggage isn’t German. Americans if they have managed to get a passport and have crossed the Border, will try to social engineer the entire trip to get upgrades or freebies. Brazilians think it is flipping carnival wherever they are. I tend to avoid all this madness by hiding out in one airport lounge or another. The Concord Room at LHR is the favourite, as is the Emirates First Class lounge at DXB

But when you land in a country where they are civilised about travel, it stops you in your tracks. Upon check in, the staff are actually helpful, assisting you with your luggage and even when over weight, not charging you and wishing you a good day. Upon boarding you are greeted with a smile and addressed by name! I thought I had done something wrong, why was this woman calling by my name!? And this isn’t in business class, this is economy! The airports are not mass migration portals, shuffling people from gate to gate like cattle. Your family can come with you as far as the boarding gate to see you off. I was like fuck me! Obviously, they haven’t had a terrorist attack happen, by either a disgruntled citizen, or an ungrateful foreigner. Long may the innocence last.

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