Men of a Certain Age

Men of a Certain Age

Gentlemen, this is a guide to what you should and shouldn’t do when in a sexual encounter with a SW, trust me this will facilitate a very smooth and enjoyable event for everyone involved.

1. Do not in mid stride, just as you are about to climax, stop! No, no, bloody hell no. Nor distract yourself with mindlessly twiddling my nipple, or pointlessly flicking my clit. I am not going to spontaneously erupt in orgasm, and all you are doing is delaying the whole point of the exercise. Get to the point! Why do I and every other SW find this annoying? Because your dick is going to loose focus and flop over dead! Yup I said it. You cock is going to give up the fucking ghost and lose interest. Which means because you paid for an hour, I am then obliged to attempt to raise the fucking dead! So, I am stuck trying to suck life into a cold limp member who rarely gets out to play, and has a short attention span. I too have a short attention span, so prompt attention to task at hand is appreciated. Now I have no objection to a second attempt, so coming quickly the first time doesn’t mean the fun is over. It means you get the tension out the way, we can have a good chat, a nice massage and a second round. But trying to hold off to ‘make it last’ has the exact opposite effect.

Notes to remember: your dick is ready for action, get to the sticking point and don’t fuck about with delaying tactics.

2. Stop trying to imitate porn movie moves! You are not a damn acrobat, nor is your cock that big. In, out, in, out, works best for older gents with small dicks. Stick to what your know don’t get all inspired and decide to do tricks, you will end up hurting yourself and pissing me off. Seriously this whirling, swivel hip movement, doesn’t work. Visually it looks cool in a porn film, when a buffed, toned, well hung, YOUNG man does it. You on the other hand end up looking like a middle aged fool about to have an elliptic fit. Stop it!

3. Stick to the language you know. Do not decide due to suffering from a midlife criss to ‘change things up’ and start using misplaced slang. You are not Kanye West or Puff Daddy. Plus telling any woman, you want to lay your pipe in her phatty, will likely result in your getting slapped, hard! And you would deserve it for being such an idiot.

4. Do feel free to stop and take a breather at any point during the activities, it isn’t a marathon, and you aren’t running a race, no need to try to shag yourself into a cardiac arrest, beating your poor dick into submission. Hanging on to my hips and trying to shove your limp, lifeless cock into my pussy, is going to accomplish what? Annoying me!

5. It is time you realise that the technique you have perfected for making every woman come, doesn’t really work. I don’t think it ever worked. I hate to break it to you, but most of those screaming orgasms, were probably faked; to prevent you from further lacerating their delicate girly bits with your abysmal technique. If you want to make a woman come, don’t talk , don’t lecture, don’t assume, FUCKING LISTEN!

6. Know thyself! And stop deluding yourself into thinking the SW you are with is actually that into you. Seriously dude, I get paid well, but I don’t get paid that well to sit and listen to your mindless drivel about your imaginary PAID conquests. Seriously! Blathering on about how you made this and that SW come, is pure comic gold.

7. I am not your therapist, marriage consular, financial adviser, or spiritual guide. Sweet Jesus! The amount of shit I get dumped on me after a few sessions. Shagging me for money, doesn’t make me your confidant! Come in, get your service, enjoy our time together and leave. I am not going to regale you with stories of my issues, spare me yours.

8. DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT, have a drink before coming to visit me! If you are nervous, run around the block! Drinking is a depressant and will only make it MORE difficult for me to do my job, and it will dampen your enjoyment of said encounter. The preferable way to handle this, is to tell me you are nervous, and let me give a soothing massage to relax you naturally.

9. DO NOT, leave snail trails of your spittle on my body! Arrrggg, this is so revolting! It isn’t sexy, it isn’t a turn on, and I find it grossly off putting! Especially when you have had your tongue wedged up my ass! God, I want to run screaming from the room in horror! Jesus Christ, don’t they teach kids anything about hygiene in school, or at home!?

10. DO NOT, spit on my bits either! For reaction to this see 9.

11. DO NOT, shove your digits up my bits and jab about like you are trying to unblock a sink, or work loose a coin. It isn’t sexy, it is annoying, and in case you forgot, that is what your dick is for.

12. Please do not take more than the prescribed amount of Viagra! I really don’t want to have to explain to the authorities why there is a corpse with a priapism in my boudoir.

The Crack

The Crack

Alcohol is like mother’s milk to the Irish, I suppose some babies were fed the stuff at some point in the past, as is evidenced by the amount of functioning idiots walking about the place. That or they put lead in the milk, whichever there is a lot to be said for sobriety.

Some cultures socialize around food, others around tea and coffee, the Irish it is drink. They drink when someone is born, married, divorces, dies, gets out of hospital, first communion, christening, debs, goes in and get out of jail, if there is a rite of passage, the Irish will find a reason to drink. A grand night out is to go drinking with the boys or the girls, passing out and forgetting what happened. Is there any wonder there are so many young mothers wondering about the place, and they will be the first ones to call me a ho. At least I get paid, and use condoms. They will do this not only on the weekends, but from about Wednesday onwards. Is it any wonder shit doesn’t get done, or is late in getting done? People are too pissed to function at their jobs. Surprisingly, this doesn’t seem to stop the game lads from giving it a go. The Irish are the only clients I will see when they are pissed, amazingly enough they can somehow manage to get the deed done being several sheets to the wind. I am sure if scientific tests are conducted they would discover that there is some a mutation of some genes in their bodies that allows them to consume so much alcohol and not fall over when most others would be in alcohol induced comas in the hospital on life support.

Not only do they love alcohol, the holiest of holys, but they didn’t waste anytime on getting a firm foot in on ladder of cocaine use. 98% of my clients are hard working, family men who just want to come in for a quick shag, with a willing, even if she is a paid companion. They want something different, they want a bit of loving and some fun. Now fun is a relative term, some gentlemen’s idea is having me change into different set of lingerie and a bit of Nutella in strategic places, others might want me to put on different types of shoes, and another still may want me to dress up in costumes. But there is one crowd who’s idea of a fun time involves lots of illegal and semi illegal substances. The top favorite of every’s ones list being cocaine.

Personally I can’t stand the stuff, it turns a perfectly nice normal guy into an egotistical white cornered motor mouth with pretensions of grandeur. Oh and did I mention that any sort of a hint of a hope of an erection goes completely out the window? But leaves behind the conviction that the dead will rise again, and guess to whom the task falls of raising said dead? Yours truly! I cannot tell you how many times I have gotten lock jaw, stiff neck and back ache, from trying to suck life into the ‘Limpest Dick on the Planet”.

I had a young guy come into me the other day, with a small white packet of some substance that apparently was, “Exactly like coke.” Well, to be honest, if it ain’t coke, it ain’t coke! Most likely it was just caffeine mixed with some amino acids, which is giving them the buzz. But it sure had him jumping out of his skin and acting like a complete idiot. But with the recession, everyone is looking for an inexpensive alternative, even the drug users. Which is causing the drug dealers to take up arms, or in the case of some head shops, fire bombs.

Luckily, the use of crack hasn’t caught on, and god help them is it does. Considering that as a whole nation there is a serious addiction problem, if crack cocaine were to take hold it would truly finish them off.

One example, I have a lovely young man who was a social worker at a rehab center. He came always late at night, and would be hopping around like a coked up jack rabbit. He was the guy, who worked with the addicts who when they came in to rehab, would take away their stash. Well, needless to say he wasn’t disposing of it in the correct way. Basically he was getting his drugs for free. It did make me chuckle.