Some Universal Truths About Hoing

Some Universal Truths About Hoing

 1. The minute you decide to de-ho, after sitting around looking glamorous all day and doing sweet FA, the phone will ring just as you are removing the last vestiges of make up.

2. After sitting around all day doing nothing, and finally you get a booking, during the time you are busy, you will have missed 5 phone calls all from regs, all looking to book with in the next hour. Men fuck in clusters.

3. The minute you decide to go out to do errands, no matter what time of the day, you will get a call from someone wanting to come NOW!

4. The client that pays you thousands, will take you to dinner, treat you nice, buy you pressies, asks permission to shag you once and tips. The one who books for he hour, and has to save for that hour, will shag you senseless for 58 mins, to get his money’s worth.

5. Clients will get the hump if you are running 5 mins late, but can’t seem to get why you are pissed when they book, confirm, and rock up 45mins late!

6. Guys with the he smallest dicks, always think it is bigger than it really is, and guys with big ones seem to think they are average.

7. The cutest hottest guy will come in for just a blow-job, massage, no sex!

8. The day you have the worst gas, will be the day everyone want to stick their finger, toy, dick, or tongue up your ass.

9. The day you are bleeding like a crime scene will be the day you get every large dicked client who books and stays for the full hour.

10. The day you are horny as hell, you will get every 80 yo geriatric travelling in from miles around.

11. Doesn’t matter the culture, the race, or the language. Men do not read profiles! They just don’t.

The UK is Back!

The UK is Back!

Well, this international touring ho, may me lifting her skirt a bit more in the UK, why you ask, because the economy is back!

How do I know this? Is it based on the financial forecasts, the credit rating of the nation, the GDP predictions for the economic growth for the future? The retail index? The fluctuation of the pound against other currencies? The performance of the stock market? I wish I could say that it was based on these more acceptable gages.

No, my conclusion is drawn simply from the fact that I am seeing more coked to the gills clients. Now, why this difference is becoming more apparent isn’t that they stopped using coke during the recession, far from it. The difference now is they are using more coke than before.

Example, when you are called to an outcall to a seriously chic boutique hotel, ushered into a lush suite, and before I can slip into my sexy knickers, I am offered an assortment of class 1 substances, in quantises that if the police were to pop it would land the lot of us in some serious trouble. I am not talking grams of coke, I am talking ounces, and lots of them. I politely declined, I tend to like my drugs in the form of a well made cocktail, or a bottle of good champagne. But I don’t judge.

But the amount that was on offer is what gave me pause, and made me realise that people in the UK had disposable income again. God bless them.

But before I start to get too excited and unpack the knickers, the UK in its delightful wisdom have opened the borders to the EE countries. I personally haven’t a problem with the ladies from there, what I have a problem with is the fact they drive the damn prices through the fucking ground, ruin the market and the clients, then bugger off home leaving behind a mess. Just because 50 quid is half a months salary in their country, doesn’t mean they should charge that for the half hour! Men should pay for the privilege to get between our legs! Not act as if it is a right. The fuckers are entitled enough as it is.

Quotes From A Patriotic Irishman

Quotes From A Patriotic Irishman

I have some how managed to last quite long in Ireland without having committed murder! Yeah me! Why, I asked myself, mostly because I wasn’t really expecting very much from them to begin with, so I wasn’t disappointed.

But I had the good fortune to have met a self described patriotic Irishman. I mean he was covered in the most neon of green, orange and white when his beloved Ireland was handed their asses on a platter by Croatia. Why do hey bother? I mean seriously, they always get pounded into the ground when they play football against even the most second rate teams? But god love them, they are out en masse, armed with enough beer and spirits to floats a barge of boats down the Liffey. Hollering at the various screens, and crying into said alcoholic beverages when the inevitable happens.

Football is very bad for business, Men can not deal with football and punting at the same time. It strains their heads. So if footie is on, sex goes out the window. When the world cup is playing I take vacation for that month. It is pointless working, men are too absorbed with their other pastime, kicking the shit out of their rivals, even if virtually, and any thought of us females fall by the wayside, unless we are delivering beers.

So, after our meeting, and as I was waiting for a taxi to return me to the city centre, he lived out in Co. Dublin, we got to chatting, and as conversations do, we veered into the subject of the economy and I asked, if there was a chance of Ireland managing to survive and recover from this current economic situation? His response was surprising and quite to the point: he said:

Not a fuckin hope in hell! We’re too stupid to be able to get ourselves out of this mess, and the politicians are corrupt fuckers.

As quoted from a patriotic Irishman.
I almost asked him to marry me, then I remembered where I was and quickly squashed that thought.


I Am Realistic

You may think I dislike Ireland or Irish people, I really don’t. I just don’t have that idealized view of them, that is cultivated and marketed so well to rest of the world. They have made an art form of exporting the friendly, jovial, wise-cracking Irish to the world, always ready with a good come back and an off the cuff retort. They are indeed wise cracking, I have had some hilarious moments with Irish clients. But, it is a well cultivated facade manufactured to keep the tourist dollars rolling in. Especially, from Americans/Canadians/Australians, and that group who can trace direct ancestory back to Ireland. When I hear ACAs wax lyrical, and soliloquize about how wonderful the Irish are and how friendly, oh and the hospitality. They bent over backwards for me, They went out of their way for me. Of course they did. They were making loads of money off of stupid 1/32 precent Irish desperate for some sort of historical connection to the ‘old country”. It reminds me a bit of some of my reviews. I often wonder who the hell are they talking about? Until I remember they are referring to my work personae, the absolute angel in knickers that I personify.

Not to mention where does the average tourist encounter the average Irish person? In the stores, in the pubs, restaurants, and in the hotels, short impersonal encounters. In the pub you are encountering people who are several sheets to the wind, and it is in that setting you hear about most encounters with the Irish. Of course they are happy, as long as the alcohol buzz nicely ticks over. Because most consume beer, cider, or a gross concoction called a shandy, beer and soda! Ewww! You don’t get that all powerful hit the likes of which you get from hard spirits. So as long as they pace themselves the lovely alcoholic buzz can last all night long.

I found the Irish delightful when I first arrived, oh the ones in the pubs were a hysterical and the clients were adorable. But even before the money went away I would catch glimpses of the facade slipping, and what lies beneath is completely contrary to the reality. It is as if it is a national trust to convince tourists that Ireland is the best place on earth, and that the whole population are just brilliant untapped talent waiting to be discovered. Some are, and unless they leave Ireland will be lost in the delightful pastime of pathological begrudgery and keeping up with the jones that occupies the national psyche. Remember appearances are EVERYTHING! As long as they appear to be successful, then it is reality, the reason they are in the shit economically.

I think in part this is due to the Catholic church and the draconian grip they had on the country. No one ever dealt with anything, in this way they made and art form of “Keep calm and carry on”. I havent been to ROI in a while, but from the rumours I am hearing, things may have settled down a bit and the populace may once again be in the mood to have a bit of fun. So I will arm myself with a case of shower gel, baby wipes, condoms and mouthwash. If all else fails, the North is but a bus ride away.