Some Universal Truths About Hoing

Some Universal Truths About Hoing

 1. The minute you decide to de-ho, after sitting around looking glamorous all day and doing sweet FA, the phone will ring just as you are removing the last vestiges of make up.

2. After sitting around all day doing nothing, and finally you get a booking, during the time you are busy, you will have missed 5 phone calls all from regs, all looking to book with in the next hour. Men fuck in clusters.

3. The minute you decide to go out to do errands, no matter what time of the day, you will get a call from someone wanting to come NOW!

4. The client that pays you thousands, will take you to dinner, treat you nice, buy you pressies, asks permission to shag you once and tips. The one who books for he hour, and has to save for that hour, will shag you senseless for 58 mins, to get his money’s worth.

5. Clients will get the hump if you are running 5 mins late, but can’t seem to get why you are pissed when they book, confirm, and rock up 45mins late!

6. Guys with the he smallest dicks, always think it is bigger than it really is, and guys with big ones seem to think they are average.

7. The cutest hottest guy will come in for just a blow-job, massage, no sex!

8. The day you have the worst gas, will be the day everyone want to stick their finger, toy, dick, or tongue up your ass.

9. The day you are bleeding like a crime scene will be the day you get every large dicked client who books and stays for the full hour.

10. The day you are horny as hell, you will get every 80 yo geriatric travelling in from miles around.

11. Doesn’t matter the culture, the race, or the language. Men do not read profiles! They just don’t.

Men of a Certain Age

Men of a Certain Age

Gentlemen, this is a guide to what you should and shouldn’t do when in a sexual encounter with a SW, trust me this will facilitate a very smooth and enjoyable event for everyone involved.

1. Do not in mid stride, just as you are about to climax, stop! No, no, bloody hell no. Nor distract yourself with mindlessly twiddling my nipple, or pointlessly flicking my clit. I am not going to spontaneously erupt in orgasm, and all you are doing is delaying the whole point of the exercise. Get to the point! Why do I and every other SW find this annoying? Because your dick is going to loose focus and flop over dead! Yup I said it. You cock is going to give up the fucking ghost and lose interest. Which means because you paid for an hour, I am then obliged to attempt to raise the fucking dead! So, I am stuck trying to suck life into a cold limp member who rarely gets out to play, and has a short attention span. I too have a short attention span, so prompt attention to task at hand is appreciated. Now I have no objection to a second attempt, so coming quickly the first time doesn’t mean the fun is over. It means you get the tension out the way, we can have a good chat, a nice massage and a second round. But trying to hold off to ‘make it last’ has the exact opposite effect.

Notes to remember: your dick is ready for action, get to the sticking point and don’t fuck about with delaying tactics.

2. Stop trying to imitate porn movie moves! You are not a damn acrobat, nor is your cock that big. In, out, in, out, works best for older gents with small dicks. Stick to what your know don’t get all inspired and decide to do tricks, you will end up hurting yourself and pissing me off. Seriously this whirling, swivel hip movement, doesn’t work. Visually it looks cool in a porn film, when a buffed, toned, well hung, YOUNG man does it. You on the other hand end up looking like a middle aged fool about to have an elliptic fit. Stop it!

3. Stick to the language you know. Do not decide due to suffering from a midlife criss to ‘change things up’ and start using misplaced slang. You are not Kanye West or Puff Daddy. Plus telling any woman, you want to lay your pipe in her phatty, will likely result in your getting slapped, hard! And you would deserve it for being such an idiot.

4. Do feel free to stop and take a breather at any point during the activities, it isn’t a marathon, and you aren’t running a race, no need to try to shag yourself into a cardiac arrest, beating your poor dick into submission. Hanging on to my hips and trying to shove your limp, lifeless cock into my pussy, is going to accomplish what? Annoying me!

5. It is time you realise that the technique you have perfected for making every woman come, doesn’t really work. I don’t think it ever worked. I hate to break it to you, but most of those screaming orgasms, were probably faked; to prevent you from further lacerating their delicate girly bits with your abysmal technique. If you want to make a woman come, don’t talk , don’t lecture, don’t assume, FUCKING LISTEN!

6. Know thyself! And stop deluding yourself into thinking the SW you are with is actually that into you. Seriously dude, I get paid well, but I don’t get paid that well to sit and listen to your mindless drivel about your imaginary PAID conquests. Seriously! Blathering on about how you made this and that SW come, is pure comic gold.

7. I am not your therapist, marriage consular, financial adviser, or spiritual guide. Sweet Jesus! The amount of shit I get dumped on me after a few sessions. Shagging me for money, doesn’t make me your confidant! Come in, get your service, enjoy our time together and leave. I am not going to regale you with stories of my issues, spare me yours.

8. DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT, have a drink before coming to visit me! If you are nervous, run around the block! Drinking is a depressant and will only make it MORE difficult for me to do my job, and it will dampen your enjoyment of said encounter. The preferable way to handle this, is to tell me you are nervous, and let me give a soothing massage to relax you naturally.

9. DO NOT, leave snail trails of your spittle on my body! Arrrggg, this is so revolting! It isn’t sexy, it isn’t a turn on, and I find it grossly off putting! Especially when you have had your tongue wedged up my ass! God, I want to run screaming from the room in horror! Jesus Christ, don’t they teach kids anything about hygiene in school, or at home!?

10. DO NOT, spit on my bits either! For reaction to this see 9.

11. DO NOT, shove your digits up my bits and jab about like you are trying to unblock a sink, or work loose a coin. It isn’t sexy, it is annoying, and in case you forgot, that is what your dick is for.

12. Please do not take more than the prescribed amount of Viagra! I really don’t want to have to explain to the authorities why there is a corpse with a priapism in my boudoir.

I Like Being A Woman

I Like Being A Woman

Most days I like being a woman, there is a week I would quite happily not be female, I wouldn’t want to be male either, I would be happy to be asexual until my period was over. Just being neither bothered by my hormones, or cravings. But that is another blog entry.

Why do I like being a woman, because sexually, the roles are pretty well-defined. I am on the receiving end of things. My buttons are located in easy to access places, right where I can see them, getting to them is usually pleasurable for all involved. Not too much muss, mess, or fuss.

Men on the other hand, have a prostate which is only accessible via a trip up the anus! Now for homosexual men, who are more self-aware and tuned in to these things, great. But take your average heterosexual male. To whom the very idea of anything going near his bum except toilet paper makes him gay, try having this conversation. Or worse yet, when the urge hits him and he indicates he wants something up there. The series of covert signals, nudges, winks, and head scratches makes me think I am at an auction. Can we say conflict?

It is amazing how many men want a prostate massage. Some want it and know it, others don’t know they want it, get it and like it, and others pretend it didn’t happen, never mention what happened, but are back in through the doors when you return to town. So, you can imagine how these things are approached. I have learned through a series of coded words and assumed positions what a heterosexual man wants in terms of when he wants something near the nether regions.

God forbid, he says outright what he wants on the phone, so I can be properly prepared. No, I have to bloody guess by virtue of reading the signs. The first sign is he enters, pays, strips, washes and hurriedly lies on the bed face down, with his bum slightly raised. Ah-yes, he wants a “massage”. By massage, I mean a prostate massage, and this in some cases has to be approached by virtue of stealth and subterfuge. A sneak attack, as it were, on his nether regions.

Being well prepared as I am, I always have gloves at the ready, even if he does lay face up. Because even when laying face up, the urge can hit, and the next thing you find is your hand being pushed down none to gently towards that end of things. No words have been spoken. Are you kidding, actually request it? If it isn’t uttered, it didn’t happen.