Look N Go’s

Look and go’s are a nuisance! The bane of every working ho’s existence. Until, I started working from my new hightech work flat! Registeried as a business and recieved an Efpos machine! 

The sheer delight I derive from the whiff of one coming through my door. Ohh, you left your cash in the car? Not a problem! Pay my cancellation fee, and you are free to go. 

Makes mad dash to door. It is locked! No key insight. In fact you dont even have a knob. It works biometrcally.  Whahahahaha! By now, the desperation to leave is great. I  sitting calmly waiting.  Amazing how cash left in the car makes a miraculous appearance. Or, I only have cards. Not a problem! I accept cards! Credit cards incure a 10% cunt tax. Cancellation fee paid,  the door magically opens. 

Harsh! Yup! And I dont give a flying fuck! Enough! I am not an exhibition in a zoo or gallery? Nor am I here for their amusement, entertainment, or free thrill. When they step into my apartment for an appointment, they-the client have in essence asked me to deny other business in preference for them. So, to show up and waste  my time for a cheap thrill. Nope, not having it anymore! 
I am a professional and  time is valuable. Have respect or suffer the consequences. It really is that simple. 

I am a happy hooker these days. 

Happy happy, joy, joy!

Lord have his mercy, but I am seriously sick and tired of hearing about how sex workers are these diseased and mentally fucked up people who need rescuing! Stop! It! Stop trying to inflict your limited views of the world on the rest of us. Because you have a problem with sex, sexuality, men, dogs, the air. Doesn’t mean all of us have these or any combinations of these problems. Sex workers are diverse as those workers in any other industry. Why for the love of god do we need to fit into a mould? And god forbid if we complain, or have a bad day, then obviously we need saving! Yet again, a few men and women are trying to decide what is best for the majority of sex workers. Without first consulting us! What? Are we infants?

This is unacceptable! Why aren’t they attempting to tell doctors, lawyers, bankers, or bakers how to run their lives? Why, because at the crux of the matter is, this isn’t about sex workers this is about women! Plain and simple, this is about middle classed white women, with some serious issues about sexuality-theirs-trying to inflict their limited view on the world. This is the good little girl versus the bad one and the good ones don’t like how we bad ones play; because we make our own rules as we see fit. This threatens the tenuous hold they have on their realities, their world and their men when it comes down to it. Because they control their men with denial of sex.  Which is why we bad girls are doing a brisk business. 95% of my clients are married! That is an amazing figure when you think about it. 95 out of every 100 men I see are either married or in a relationship. Fucking WOW! And you wonder why I have vowed to die single? Either marriage is a total sham or men are lying dogs. I think the answer lies somewhere in have middle.

I Want It All, I Want It All, I Want It All and I Want It NOW!

Lord, how many times have I heard this statement, “Are you available NOW!” Really, your dick starts to twitch, and the first number you come across, your intro to making an appointment, is to demand an appointment NOW! So, I take a deep breath and try to interject some reality into this persons obvious state of delusion. Because unless, he is a Time Lord, has access to the Tardis, has discovered my location and is actually standing in front of my door, or some how think I have a portable ho house that can pop up magically at his location, this foolishness of coming NOW, isn’t going to happen.

So, I ask a few basic questions, such as, where did you see my ad?  Have you seen the pictures? How long would you like to book? And what city/country/continent are you located?

Why the interrogation? This is due to being a globe trotting ho, and yes even with concise information in my adverts, such as location, length of duration at said location, and a host of other important info. Men can and do manage to get things slightly confused and think Canberra is Cornwall. See, I sincerely don’t think this would happen to a girl, we would not confuse our Gucci with our Gaultier. it is too important.

You would think the urgency with which a man wants his end wet, NOW! He would put a bit more effort into making sure I was located in the same town as he.

Why Did I Even Bother?

I started dating(I lasted a few weeks), why the hell did I do that? What a disaster! My gf were giving me lessons how to behave. Some of the things I was informed to do and not do.

1. Don’t talk too much about myself, ask questions about the man, and make him feel important!

Seriously? Is the average male this insecure? Wait, this sounds like work, why would I want to engage and encourage this foolishness for free?

2. Don’t dress up too much, they will think you are high maintenance.

WTF!? Really! News flash! I am fucking high maintenance! Yes, I am and you know what else, I am really good with this. If he wants a blow up doll, he should go get one.

3. If you do have a BF, make him feel useful around he house.

Jesus Christ almighty, how the hell do women tolerate having men around? They are worse than children.

Oh, my god! How the hell do civvie women go on dates? Please tell me, what are your secrets? I can’t manage to feint interest for longer than 20 mins. The conversation about their non existent lives, them trying to impress me with what they think is their prowess!? Jesus, or the ones who can’t seem to manage to match their clothing! Talk about useless! Or are my standards that high!? Surely not?

Then there was this point when I realised I had to pretend to enjoy bad sex for fucking FREE! That was as Malcolm Gladwell said, the tipping point. Oh hell no! I am not going to shag for free, badly! So I axed that budding relationship and am once again, single, happy, and have the big bed all to myself. Am I selfish? Yes I am! And as well as being high maintenance, I am so ok with this.

Some Universal Truths About Hoing

 1. The minute you decide to de-ho, after sitting around looking glamorous all day and doing sweet FA, the phone will ring just as you are removing the last vestiges of make up.

2. After sitting around all day doing nothing, and finally you get a booking, during the time you are busy, you will have missed 5 phone calls all from regs, all looking to book with in the next hour. Men fuck in clusters.

3. The minute you decide to go out to do errands, no matter what time of the day, you will get a call from someone wanting to come NOW!

4. The client that pays you thousands, will take you to dinner, treat you nice, buy you pressies, asks permission to shag you once and tips. The one who books for he hour, and has to save for that hour, will shag you senseless for 58 mins, to get his money’s worth.

5. Clients will get the hump if you are running 5 mins late, but can’t seem to get why you are pissed when they book, confirm, and rock up 45mins late!

6. Guys with the he smallest dicks, always think it is bigger than it really is, and guys with big ones seem to think they are average.

7. The cutest hottest guy will come in for just a blow-job, massage, no sex!

8. The day you have the worst gas, will be the day everyone want to stick their finger, toy, dick, or tongue up your ass.

9. The day you are bleeding like a crime scene will be the day you get every large dicked client who books and stays for the full hour.

10. The day you are horny as hell, you will get every 80 yo geriatric travelling in from miles around.

11. Doesn’t matter the culture, the race, or the language. Men do not read profiles! They just don’t.

Men of a Certain Age

Gentlemen, this is a guide to what you should and shouldn’t do when in a sexual encounter with a SW, trust me this will facilitate a very smooth and enjoyable event for everyone involved.

1. Do not in mid stride, just as you are about to climax, stop! No, no, bloody hell no. Nor distract yourself with mindlessly twiddling my nipple, or pointlessly flicking my clit. I am not going to spontaneously erupt in orgasm, and all you are doing is delaying the whole point of the exercise. Get to the point! Why do I and every other SW find this annoying? Because your dick is going to loose focus and flop over dead! Yup I said it. You cock is going to give up the fucking ghost and lose interest. Which means because you paid for an hour, I am then obliged to attempt to raise the fucking dead! So, I am stuck trying to suck life into a cold limp member who rarely gets out to play, and has a short attention span. I too have a short attention span, so prompt attention to task at hand is appreciated. Now I have no objection to a second attempt, so coming quickly the first time doesn’t mean the fun is over. It means you get the tension out the way, we can have a good chat, a nice massage and a second round. But trying to hold off to ‘make it last’ has the exact opposite effect.

Notes to remember: your dick is ready for action, get to the sticking point and don’t fuck about with delaying tactics.

2. Stop trying to imitate porn movie moves! You are not a damn acrobat, nor is your cock that big. In, out, in, out, works best for older gents with small dicks. Stick to what your know don’t get all inspired and decide to do tricks, you will end up hurting yourself and pissing me off. Seriously this whirling, swivel hip movement, doesn’t work. Visually it looks cool in a porn film, when a buffed, toned, well hung, YOUNG man does it. You on the other hand end up looking like a middle aged fool about to have an elliptic fit. Stop it!

3. Stick to the language you know. Do not decide due to suffering from a midlife criss to ‘change things up’ and start using misplaced slang. You are not Kanye West or Puff Daddy. Plus telling any woman, you want to lay your pipe in her phatty, will likely result in your getting slapped, hard! And you would deserve it for being such an idiot.

4. Do feel free to stop and take a breather at any point during the activities, it isn’t a marathon, and you aren’t running a race, no need to try to shag yourself into a cardiac arrest, beating your poor dick into submission. Hanging on to my hips and trying to shove your limp, lifeless cock into my pussy, is going to accomplish what? Annoying me!

5. It is time you realise that the technique you have perfected for making every woman come, doesn’t really work. I don’t think it ever worked. I hate to break it to you, but most of those screaming orgasms, were probably faked; to prevent you from further lacerating their delicate girly bits with your abysmal technique. If you want to make a woman come, don’t talk , don’t lecture, don’t assume, FUCKING LISTEN!

6. Know thyself! And stop deluding yourself into thinking the SW you are with is actually that into you. Seriously dude, I get paid well, but I don’t get paid that well to sit and listen to your mindless drivel about your imaginary PAID conquests. Seriously! Blathering on about how you made this and that SW come, is pure comic gold.

7. I am not your therapist, marriage consular, financial adviser, or spiritual guide. Sweet Jesus! The amount of shit I get dumped on me after a few sessions. Shagging me for money, doesn’t make me your confidant! Come in, get your service, enjoy our time together and leave. I am not going to regale you with stories of my issues, spare me yours.

8. DO NOT! I repeat DO NOT, have a drink before coming to visit me! If you are nervous, run around the block! Drinking is a depressant and will only make it MORE difficult for me to do my job, and it will dampen your enjoyment of said encounter. The preferable way to handle this, is to tell me you are nervous, and let me give a soothing massage to relax you naturally.

9. DO NOT, leave snail trails of your spittle on my body! Arrrggg, this is so revolting! It isn’t sexy, it isn’t a turn on, and I find it grossly off putting! Especially when you have had your tongue wedged up my ass! God, I want to run screaming from the room in horror! Jesus Christ, don’t they teach kids anything about hygiene in school, or at home!?

10. DO NOT, spit on my bits either! For reaction to this see 9.

11. DO NOT, shove your digits up my bits and jab about like you are trying to unblock a sink, or work loose a coin. It isn’t sexy, it is annoying, and in case you forgot, that is what your dick is for.

12. Please do not take more than the prescribed amount of Viagra! I really don’t want to have to explain to the authorities why there is a corpse with a priapism in my boudoir.

The Privileged

Privilege, now here is a word I have been hearing a great deal about lately. And I have to just pop my little 2p in here.

I love middle class white women, why? They are so amusing in their need to feel hard done by. Seriously, they actively seek reasons to be miserable. If they aren’t emasculating their men with ridiculous requests for him to be more like a woman, they are ruining their children by complaining about the stupidest shit known to man.

But now the tone has swung around and they have a new song to sing. The defence of being privileged. Seriously!? Because they are living in a nice house, with a nice car, and a weekly spending budget some third world women make in a year, they are hard done by? No honey, you are not suffering in your Louboutins, with your LV scarf and bag, shuffling your Pilates classes with play dates for your kids, you are living a very privileged existence. And you need to accept that because of this privilege you really should be a little more cautious about bitching within earshot of people who aren’t. When the biggest problem you have is worrying about which IT bag to wear to the office party, you are privileged.

I have all this shit and more, and when not shuffling my little ones to play dates and running late for golf at the club with the girls, I am hoing. Maybe that is why I have the unique perspective I do. I walk the line between the two worlds. If they only knew. I can look at their husbands and tell them what his kink is and the fact he is definitely not getting that itch scratched at home.

Mind you. I do know how bloody privileged I am, and I can honestly say I drop to my stocking clad knees on a daily basis and give thanks every time I look at my bank balance. Being a SW has treated me well!

Funnily enough, even though I am an SW. I came from a very privileged background, quite nice actually. But I think the difference was I was always reminded that it was a gift not a right to have the life I had. So, I never developed this idea I was better than anyone else. Different yes, but not better. Never felt the need to impress my lifestyle on anyone either. My views are just that, mine and are best kept in the confines of my mind until asked for an opinion; or I feel like splashing them all over the internet in the form of a blog. Whatever the case, I have no need to radically change the way most people think.

But a particular group of WMCW, seem hell bent on radically inflicting their limited points of views on the world. It is really hard for them to realise not everyone thinks the way that they do, wants the same things they do, or care about the same issues they do. It does shock their systems to learn many of us are different.

ASIS, CIA, G2, MI6, MOSSAD

Security services. Intelligence gathering. Acquiring assets. Spying. Phone tapping. All this and more, our various security services engage in to obtain information. Why don’t they just ask their local neighbourhood hos for info?

Collectively, was chatting to the cartel the other day, yes we hos talk, in fact we talk a lot. We compare notes, news flash, share information on clients, you think we all live in isolation, but the smart ones don’t. We are global and mobile, and social media and red bull can transcend time zones. We will keep tabs on our friends going for an outcall in another country, we take info and in the event she doesn’t contact one of us by a certain time, we will call the police in her country to alert them to something not kosher.

We run our small business like tiny blue chip corporations, we market, we tweak, we package/repackage, we re brand our product, and if necessary we will change name and shut up shop; pull down websites and reemerge like the Phoenix from the fire new and shiny, with new boobies, hair extensions, or a few pounds lighter. Sorry to burst the bubble. We are anything but stupid. At the end of the day, many of us started this journey to survive and we are excellent at adapting and evolving as situations dictate.

So, as I was talking to the cartel, we happened to discuss a certain client, and it became apparent he had seen several of us, told us different stories, and we started to compare them. We are excellent listeners. Well, it became apparent something wasn’t all together. Mind you we are all on different continents, and in some cases different hemispheres of the world. All happily chatting away. Facebook is our friend.

Then it hit us! He has got to be a spy! No kidding! This was rather exciting when we all realised this. His story when told to us was extremely plausible, until we compared them, and a glaring thing, which I will not mention became apparent. And the funny thing is I know what country he is actually doing the deed for and it is humorous, cause they are allies. Politics and bedfellows.

the who’s who of punter forums

I couldn’t agree more. Excellent post.

because i'm a whore

Once upon time about back when local hookers were just beginning to utilise the internet for business, i met a Annie. She was a tech savvy sex worker with an established online identity who introduced me to a whole new world. She showed me around sex industry forums, review sites and advertising options. It was all new to me and i spent hours reading the various posts and reviews engrossed in this ‘client community’. It felt like i was gaining some kind of inside knowledge about the industry, the workers and our clients. As i read the candid comments by the anonymous ‘punters’ as they refer to themselves, I felt like i was getting a true sense of what clients think, a real insight, a glimpse of our industry from their perspective. I was excited to see if anyone had reviewed me, so i searched my name, but i didnt find any mention. I began to…

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Swedish Model

Of all the anti prostitution laws on the books, most aimed at making the lives of women seeking to make a living as dangerous as possible. Ireland of course chooses the possibility of criminalising the client, or the law more popularly known as the Swedish Model. Which makes it illegal to purchase sex, but not illegal to sell. The idea being to stop men from purchasing and exploiting women. Ha! The idiots who came up with this did not think this through. I have worked in countries where this law is in affect and it makes no difference.

But I have a feeling it will make a difference in Ireland. But not the one everyone thinks. The difference I think it will make is to possibly instill a slight modicum of manners into the punting population.

You must remember that the Irish punter as a whole is a slightly self entitled, xenophobic creature. But they are scared as shit of their own shadows, their neighbours, their wives, mothers, dicks, sexual urges. You name it. The idea of it being illegal to purchase sex will make them more skittish than ever. But trust me this is a good thing, why?

Because fear is a good thing when dealing with the Irish punter. It is shocking how many don’t know it is legal. And far be it from me to tell them differently. But adding the part that makes it illegal for them to buy will have the added benefit of making them even more fearful. Fear makes them behave, well in as much as they are capable of.

Guilt is another motivating factor. But the Catholic Church took care of that one already.

So the combination of fear, guilt, horniness and disposable income will create the perfect punter. Let’s hope the extra fear improves their ability to listen and follow directions.